I’m fascinated by the idea that the safeguard has a complex version number. It makes sense. Whenever one person creates a defense, another will find a way through it. That’s human nature, which explains why safeguard has been updated many times. Of course, when you have multiple versions of things, complicated instructions for completing it, etc you all know what comes next. Tech Support.
What would Safeguard tech support sound like? I think it’d go a little something like this.
(Recorded message) Hello! Thank you for calling Safeguard Tech Support automated hotline. Please listen to all our options as they may have recently changed.
If you are looking for email tech support, please press one.
If you are looking for file sharing tech support, please press two.
For tetrahedron assembly support, please press three.
For Safeguard support, please press four.
Thank you for contacting Safeguard tech support.
If you feel a general sense of unease when interacting with social media lately, please press one.
If you have evidence of an electronic intrusion into a safeguarded area, please press two.
If you are convinced a group of people on the internet are reading all your personal emails and minutely dissecting them for clues, please press three.
If you have origami questions, please press four.
If you have a physical entity manifesting in your safeguarded space, please press five.
Hold music kicks in, I imagine it’s very ethereal and happy
(Recorded voice breaks in) Did you know? If your manifestation is physical and less than 70 pounds or two feet in length you can simply hang up now, throw a small rug or bath mat over it and call your local animal control board? Tell them it’s your neighbor’s dog.
Hold music comes back. I’m thinking harps
(Recorded message) Thank you for calling Safeguard manifestation support. All our operators are busy right now, but please listen to these automated options in order that we may direct you to the best representative once they become available.
If you are calling to report a spectral manifestation, please press one.
If you are calling to report an anthropomorphic animal, such as a rabbit or gerbil. Please press two.
If you are calling to report an ancient, Egyptian hell beast please press three.
If the ancient, Egyption hell beast has multiple heads, please press four.
If it speaks multiple languages, please press five.
…with a Bronx accent, please press six.
If you are calling to report mauled animal control board officers on your property please press seven.
(I’m off tomorrow so this is my Friday and I don’t want to work…so shoot me.)