Magiq Tech Support

From C.J.
1

I’m fascinated by the idea that the safeguard has a complex version number. It makes sense. Whenever one person creates a defense, another will find a way through it. That’s human nature, which explains why safeguard has been updated many times. Of course, when you have multiple versions of things, complicated instructions for completing it, etc you all know what comes next. Tech Support.

What would Safeguard tech support sound like? I think it’d go a little something like this.

ring ring

(Recorded message) Hello! Thank you for calling Safeguard Tech Support automated hotline. Please listen to all our options as they may have recently changed.

If you are looking for email tech support, please press one.

If you are looking for file sharing tech support, please press two.

For tetrahedron assembly support, please press three.

For Safeguard support, please press four.

Beep

Thank you for contacting Safeguard tech support.

If you feel a general sense of unease when interacting with social media lately, please press one.

If you have evidence of an electronic intrusion into a safeguarded area, please press two.

If you are convinced a group of people on the internet are reading all your personal emails and minutely dissecting them for clues, please press three.

If you have origami questions, please press four.

If you have a physical entity manifesting in your safeguarded space, please press five.

beep

Hold music kicks in, I imagine it’s very ethereal and happy

(Recorded voice breaks in) Did you know? If your manifestation is physical and less than 70 pounds or two feet in length you can simply hang up now, throw a small rug or bath mat over it and call your local animal control board? Tell them it’s your neighbor’s dog.

Hold music comes back. I’m thinking harps

(Recorded message) Thank you for calling Safeguard manifestation support. All our operators are busy right now, but please listen to these automated options in order that we may direct you to the best representative once they become available.

If you are calling to report a spectral manifestation, please press one.

If you are calling to report an anthropomorphic animal, such as a rabbit or gerbil. Please press two.

If you are calling to report an ancient, Egyptian hell beast please press three.

If the ancient, Egyption hell beast has multiple heads, please press four.

If it speaks multiple languages, please press five.

…with a Bronx accent, please press six.

If you are calling to report mauled animal control board officers on your property please press seven.

beep

(I’m off tomorrow so this is my Friday and I don’t want to work…so shoot me.)

15 Likes
2

Oh my god :joy: this is so great. Someone should make a recording of this.

7 Likes
3

You are meaning to tell me all we had to do was call the Safeguard Automated hotline and we could have had some help with that dang-flabbit Tetrahedron?!

All I imagine is me calling the hotline:

Recorded message) Hello! Thank you for calling Safeguard Tech Support automated hotline. Please listen to all our options as they may have recently changed.

If you are looking for email tech support, please press one.

If you are looking for file sharing tech support, please press two.

For tetrahedron assembly support, please press three.

Me: “Finally, I can finally get some help with this tetrahedron.” Presses 3

beep

Thank you for calling Safeguard manifestation support. All our operators are busy right now, but your call is very important to us. Please continue holding, and one of our very talented operators will be with you as soon as possible

6574 minutes passes by and 1209 of those automated messages are read out

“Hello, just a quick couple of questions to verify your person. Where are you calling from?”

“Canada”

“And which guild do you most identify with?”

“Balimora”

“Have you had contact with any transmogrified persons in the last 48 hours?”

“Not sure how this is relevant, but no, I don’t believe I have”

“Now that that is in order, which Tetrahedron are you looking for support with?”

“Yes, I would really like some help with The Translation”

Laughing commences on other side of the line. Laughing in 45 languages including Ancient Egyptian

“Umm, Hello?”

Dial Tone

Seriously though, if I could just spend a day in the mind of Robert, I would be a happy man. I feel like I would need a 3423 page map just to make sure I hit all the areas. I’ve missed your banter in here the past couple days though. And this, definitely missed this, and I didn’t even know it existed until now

11 Likes
4

This made me crack up xD

6 Likes
5

Bahahaha, omg, this is amazing. :joy: :joy: :joy:

7 Likes
6

Thank you.

The reason I had to post this (I don’t post most of my crazy ideas) is because I have this image in my head I can’t shake.

Two animal control officers, tired from a long day at work knock on an apartment door.

“What?!”, comes the voice from inside.

“Animal control, sir. You called about a dog?”

“Yeah…one minute.” Inside the sounds of banging, possibly a small struggle are heard.

The door open quickly to reveal a tall man in a plaid kilt and a torn Sex Pistols t-shirt. The hands a small bundle to the men and quickly slams the door closed. The competing smells of sage and sulfur can be detected. “Thanks” is faintly heard from inside the apartment.

The two men look at the bundle, then each other. The bundle is a damp small kid’s towel. The picture of a cat sliding down a rainbow can be seen on it. Inside the bundle looks suspiciously like an alien facehugger, but with more tentacles. It seems to be stunned.

“I don’t think this is one of them chi-wa-wa’s, Billy.”

“Maybe it’s one of those hyperallegenic ones I’ve seen on TV?”

“Maybe. Whatever, it’s ugly. Let’s throw it in the back of the truck and get out of here.”

As they walk away one can be heard to say “Aww, look Earl this little fella is waking up. He’s so cute he can ride up front with me!”

9 Likes