August's Journal

[AugustAbel]

I don’t think therapists are suppose to make people more anxious. Probably not the best way to start off the first journal but it is the overriding thought for the day.

After reading everyone’s journals, I’m going to do mine wrong but it’s all just circling my brain and personal journals never seem substantial enough to make me feel like I’ve let it go so I’m going to share it.

I am me which isn’t the best description but it’s what I got. I’m genderfluid (pretty much in the closet with that except for on here and my boyfriend knowing), born female (don’t mind sticking with it, mostly because it’s easier and it works for me), most of the time I think of myself as nonbinary (I exist as myself and gender doesn’t really matter to me anyway), online and gaming is when my male thought process comes out as I feel more comfortable in that gender when I interact with others. All of that doesn’t really conform to what it defines as genderfluid but as most things in LGBTQ+ don’t conform to anything, I think I’m safe. I’m also bisexual (definitely out of the closet for that, I even wear a button that says “Biena” with a cartoon hyena under it) which I might as well throw into that mess of genderfluidity.

I’m also anxious constantly. I’ve lived with my anxiety for a long time so I have coping mechanisms that I think work better than most kinds of medications and when my anxiety attacks hit, I try to keep to myself as much as possible so that no one else gets in the crosshairs. There’s other things wrong with my brain, I would have to go to a licensed therapist to get diagnosed and well my anxiety and defense mechanisms prevent me from seeking one out plus white coat syndrome is not my friend. Also the one I was recommended by my nurse practioner had really bad reviews so definitely not going to that one.

The days that are the worst I feel phantom manacles around my ankles and wrists and chains keeping me tied. The very absolutely horrible days grant me the feeling of one around my neck, that’s the scariest one and the reason why tight necklines on shirts are bothersome. Although the best days see me smiling and laughing. The very absolutely wonderful days my anxiety and what ever else takes a back seat and I glide and I shine and I feel light. I would like to feel light all the time. My bracelets and tattoos remind me of what I love and enjoy and I use them to keep the manacles at bay.

I write, not as much as I should but when an idea is there and it’s clear I write it. I have unfinished stories waiting for an ending because it’s no longer clear, which is why when I get an idea for something short it has relief attached to the happy.

I’ve been on the forum since January 2020, I’m a lurker which a lot of us are but I’m one that has stints of major activity which means I get to be level 3 sometimes but most of the time I’m level 2. I found the magical ad on Facebook wanted to know what my guild was and took the test, got Ebengaurd the first time which was surprising for a Ravenclaw but I was happy with it, course I took it again and got Thornmouth Umbranor and as I ailgn better with those two, I stuck with them.

As I saw others writing fandoms and favorite things, Arthurian, Sherlock (bbc), The Magicians, Percy Jackson, Ranger’s Apprentice, Artemis Fowl, Star Trek, Star Wars (May the fourth be with you, live long and prosper) and tons more, not Twilight, vamps don’t sparkle. Favorite book is Night Circus and favorite series is The All Souls Trilogy (I figured considering most book geeks can’t pick favorites that there should be the exceptions to the rule to make it easier on the less-fiction-book-inclined people).

Finally to circle back on the first sentence, my therapist (master’s degree and not PhD so can’t help me by diagnosis) made me anxious and as I usually carry a 6 or 7 walking in upping me to 8.5 doesn’t do me any good. She had one good point but the overthinking after she made the point and moved on is what got to me. In theory, I would think therapy was helping me but as I have long standing and maybe slightly unhealthy coping mechanisms that she doesn’t even go into depth with, I’m pretty sure seeing her, giving her $100 and nothing changing is not helping. I don’t know🤷, as long as I stay away from majorly addictive substance as coping mechanisms, I should be fine, right?
Sorry for anyone who decides to read this entire thing, not a great introduction. As I have been brewing over this and editing it over the span of 12 hours (I was working, worrying, eating, and watching TV in between), I should probably post it…

[Sapphire]

Not all coping mechanisms are good but its about baby steps.
Brushing your teeth for 30seconds is better than not doing it at all, (quoting a post that keeps floating round the internet) Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.
A not good coping mechanism is the same, it’s mostly better than doing nothing, and it will hopefully give you the headspace to find a better one, but it should only ever be a stop gap.

It sucks that the therapist made you more anxious. I’d try not to get too stressed about it, they’re there to help you build better less intrusive defences and coping skills, unfortunately examining your current mechanisms can be painful and it’s rarely a over night on/off process .

Possibly a really drawn out analogy, but atm you have your castle with a moat and walls. Turns out the moat is full of human eating sharks that will eat anyone from inside or outside the castle. To make a better, safer, but still well defended castle you need to clear out the moat, fill it and replace it with a maze that will still defend you, but you can also navigate safely instead of risking a run in with human nomming sharks.

PS Good book choices I love both Night Circus and The All Souls Trilogy, the later is on my reread pile just as soon as I can find my copy of the first book facepalm I really need to sort out my library and get shelves for all of my books!.

[AugustAbel]

Thanks for explaining that. I like the analogy, I’ve gotten better at breathing techniques so I could work on that more for a coping mechanism. I also should fix the dragon that comes out during anxiety attacks, burns down half the village and destroys the wall, the imaginary mind dudes are always disgruntled when we have to sit still and rebuild the wall although it works as a mindful moment/meditation coping skill so I’m good with it. Lol human nomming sharks .

Lol, good luck in finding it, shelves and book cases do tend to help matters, I’ve got 3 bookcases going and need to get a fourth at some point. The Trilogy is on my reread list too but I’m currently packing things away to move so I’ve told myself no hunting for books you’ve already read and destroying the nicely packed boxes.

[eternalhearts]

Thank you for sharing. Journals can’t be done wrong!

I’ve been in & out of therapy for almost 20 years and am even married to a Licensed Social Worker. My experience has been that sometimes the process requires efforts or thought explorations that are super uncomfortable & DO increase anxiety. A good therapist will acknowledge that and should only push you as your can handle it. If they push to much or don’t consider your feelings when it gets too hard, find another one.

A quick note re: Master vs Doctor mental health professionals. More often than not, the doctors don’t do a lot of genuine therapy, they are mostly for prescriptions in tandem with diagnoses by Master-level therapists. States have different requirements/systems, but seeing “only” a Master is usually just add good if not better than a doctor because Doctors don’t always have the therapeutic training.

You have a lot of strength, both to share this with us and to be working on trying to live with your mental health difficulties in as healthy a way as possible. Your are not alone.

[AugustAbel]

Got one bookcase done and one to go, I was trying to make a book shelf chair but once I got into building it I realized I couldn’t do it by myself but also I figured there was no way the thing would even stay together. The outside edges use 2x2s and 1x2s so the second level would have rested on 6in of 4 1x2s and when I say rested I mean glue and 1 and a quarter inch pocket screws that had cracked the 1x2s I used on the base frame. So yeah that idea was scrapped and the idea for 2 chest height bookcases and a board game table was born.

[Sellalellen]

Its beautiful!