Amberlee's Journal

Salvet friends, I’m Amberlee

  • I love all things changeling. My very first ttrpg was Changling back in the early aughts. I love the hedge and I love the not quite human-not quite fae of it all. As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned a lot of it has to do with how I was raised
  • Which ties into the next point! I have cPTSD. I’m fairly open about it so others can feel comfortable being open about their own experiences and symptoms
  • I’m starting a business that supports other people with neurodivergency! I’m terrified of failing :slight_smile:
  • Obviously I’m a Marentide-bearing Ebenguard. Could I be anything else?
  • I have 4 acres in GA that I bought so I can have bees and a market garden
  • Languages I can read but can’t speak: Koine Greek, German, Dutch
  • Languages I can read and speak kind of poorly: French, Latin
  • I have pretended to be a wizard in a polish castle
  • I have pretended to be a vampire in a polish castle
  • I love playing pathfinder and D&D 5e
  • My fandoms: Raven Cycle, Graceling Realm, Tolkien
  • I have an MA in Theology. I wanted to continue on to work in academia, but alas
  • I want to move back to New Zealand. Hopefully in the next 5 years

Spring has absolutely been Spring. I have seedlings growing in the living room near a window, but I can’t take them out yet. Safety will come in about a week and then I can put them in the ground.
There’s two types of tomatoes, two herbs, and asters. I’ve never grown herbs or flowers from seed.

I’m continuing to work to get my producitivy business off the ground. It’s hard because as we all know, former Talented and Gifted kids assume that if they aren’t immediately successful, then it means we’re complete failures.

I should probably mesure success differently right now, celebrate any and all miles stone - but at the moment it feels like I’m being a cheerleader to nothing, marketing to empty air. I hate it.

I’m reading Winterkeep and loving it.


Reaches Level 3. Impatiently waits to come chatter on Discord


What I’m listening to:

I am SO exhausted.

Inflammation and depression are kicking my butt. The disassociation has been intense, involving some depersonifying. So a lot of the time I’m laying on a floor just to feel the ground. I’ve been trying to listen to my body the past few days in regards to food - so I’m eating a lot of berries and cheese.

It’s easy for me to tell me people to be kind and gentle with themselves, but I’m unsure how to do that with farm chores. Certain things must be done or they’ll die. Thankfully they’re plants, not animals, but goats are in my future. You can’t not feed goats (I guess this like having depression while also having children, except children are even more terrifying).

I did get a job. The official offer letter is being sent to me tomorrow. June 1st I’ll be back to having full time work during the regular business hours day, so I’m trying to figure out how to run my productivity business outside of those hours. I’m also feeling the deep guilt of teaching others to be productive when I’m currently deep in the depression pit. Is it my fault? No. Is the point to teach people to be gentle with themselves so they can survive their down depression pits? Yes. Does that mean anything of my brain? No.

But I was able to write a journal entry. That counts for something. That’s the small wiggle of a pinky toe after months of not being able to move.


I’ve been there. Depression is hard. But this means things are looking up. Hang in there :eaveshug:


What I’m listening to:

I’m moving around! I’m posting in forum!

I’m still in a disassociating space so I’m doing what I do best - escaping in to some fantasy.

Specifically I’m re-listening to the Monarch Papers, starting in the beginning. I switch between it and a new-to-me book, the Hazel Wood.

I want to step back and enjoy the positive parts of having dissociation. One of them is being able to enjoy the thrill of thinking you might just be a Changeling who has to make the best of this mortal world, so might as well have a shiny kitchen and eat some pizza rolls.


Working on a small parlor larp for friends

A cooperative and competitive live action puzzle game.

  • It’s a good game for those who like having small teams, but still competitive such as: playing the middle of Risk, where deals are made; FPS games in groups; or the three legged race at field day.
  • It is less likely to be enjoyed by those who love winning Risk, playing FPS games solo, Candyland, or other single winner games.
  • It is also less likely to be enjoyed by those who prefer escape rooms, Shadow of Camelot, or other games where either everyone wins or everyone loses.

Themes of the game include: puzzles, scavenger hunt, poison, bribery, deals, and breaking promises.

When you talk about your college years, there’s mention of the parties but leaving out the rituals. There’s about dinners out but not the antidotes in your pockets. Or the boxes, closets, and shovels.
College was lovely if you’re ever asked.
It’s gotten you so far.
Yes, you keep in touch with some people.
No, no one really gets together.
You’re all so busy. It’s so hard.
You’re sure it would be lovely to see each other again.

What did you study? Oh, the usual that everyone studies…

*You’ve been invited to a dinner at house. The last dinner party of theirs you went to ended up with 4 hospitalizations and everyone decided maybe it was time to take a break. None of you were getting any younger and was this alchemical pursuit really worth it? But a break turned into a decade and a decade turned into 2. You’ve put your recipes away into its own locked box so the kiddos don’t haphazardly blind themselves. Or petrify. *

But now here’s an invitation. In all it’s mundaneness you smile at the one extra statement
“Cocktail hour: all night long until the hunt is done"

Perhaps it’s time to unlock that box.


I ran away because I felt silly.
I felt like I couldn’t figure out how forums work or how to interact. Clumsy. I felt digitally clumsy.

And then you get into the cycle of “oh no, I’ve been gone to long, I can’t figure out how to pick back up” and so you bury yourself further.

I want to try again, but I do feel a like a failure. It’s like I don’t understand how clocks or words work.


Hey there, we’re always happy to see old faces come back, no matter how long it’s been! I was tied up pretty much this entire past summer and I had some of the same feelings as you, that it had been so long I wasn’t sure how to find my way back in. I found that the best way is to just start by lurking for a while to see what types of things are going on now, it’s a bit like when you join the forum for the first time. People come and go, they get distracted by life because life is distracting, and I’m certain nobody here is going to hold that against you.