Emotions have been hard for me. for the longest time.
at first, when i was young, they were easy. love as much as possible, laugh as loud as i can, be sad, feel angry, find warmth…
but then the Year happened.
I closed myself off. Put walls around my heart. started thinking more logically.
Put my emotions in a box, and locked them away.
I did this in a feeble attempt to ‘Grow up’.
I did this, to be strong.
And it worked, for a time. for a short time.
flashes of emotion would peek out of the vault.
warmth, anger, sadness.
but only for so long. and only under great stress most times.
and then i was back to being very neutral about most things.
years passed
and then a curious thing happened.
something went wrong in a game. went very very wrong.
and those locks, and walls, and boxes? they just…broke.
I was flooded with emotion, for the first time in ages.
I was back to full force.
It was hard to readjust.
It still is.
But i’m learning to be more open
little by little
I’m on the mend.
at one time broken, but now mending.
I don’t mean to imply that I pitied him, or that I really spent so much time focusing on the private inner world he obviously preferred to keep private. But it was he, himself, who taught me to find beauty in flaws and imperfect things; no emotion was “bad.” That sadness, grief, and pain could be strengthening. Purifying. Wasn’t it Hemingway who said, “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places?" He was like that. Because whatever was going on with him… it never stopped him from exhibiting his kindness, his courage. That was why I loved him, why he was well-respected and admired by all. Or everyone I knew, at least.
This is my lovely family and I’m trusting y’all with their faces so don’t be weird about it.
My family is big if you couldn’t tell. That many people, and conflict is sure to arise, but we handled it … mostly. A wedge was driven into us, and that wedge was an incredibly hurt and damaged and unwell person who tried to make us as miserable as they felt and tried to control what we did or who in the family we were allowed to see to make up for their lack of control in the rest of their life. For a lot of years it really sucked, because I love my family and wanted to have more of them in my life. Eventually, that wedge outgrew it’s welcome and we were left to weave this rift back together. We are collectively stubborn enough that we did. My family isn’t perfect by any means, and I’m not as close to some of my siblings as I would like to be, but the option and the choice is there where it wasn’t before. We all gather for holidays and events we plan now. We healed what had been hurt, and what was a big pile of broken parts is now once again a family, my family.
[spoiler](For those around when they first started showing up, this is not one of the four previously shared letters)[/spoiler]
[spoiler]For new folks seeing one of these for the first time, none of them have been completely solved yet, feel free to poke at them! The Letters
How many times can one heart break?
It was never supposed to be this way
Look in the mirror, but you find someone you never thought you’d be
Oh, but I can still recognize
The one I love in your tear stained eyes
I know you might not see him now, but lift your eyes to me
When you see broken beyond repair
I see healing beyond belief
When you see too far gone
I see one step away from home
When you see nothing but damaged goods
I see something good in the making
I’m not finished yet
When you see wounded, I see mended
You see your worst mistake
But I see the price I paid
There’s nothing you could ever do, to loose what grace has won
So hold on it’s not the end
This is where love’s work begins
I’m making all things new
And I will make a miracle in you
When you see broken beyond repair
I see healing beyond belief
When you see too far gone
I see one step away from home
When you see nothing but damaged goods
I see something good in the making
I’m not finished yet
When you see wounded, I see mended
I see my child
My beloved
The new creation you’re becoming
You see the scars from where you’ve fell
But I see the stories they will tell
You see worthless, I see priceless
You see pain, but I see a purpose
You see unworthy, undeserving
But I see you through eyes of mercy
When you see broken beyond repair
I see healing beyond belief
When you see too far gone
I see one step away from home
When you see nothing but damaged goods
I see something good in the making
I’m not finished yet (no)
When you see wounded, I see mended
(Oh)
I see mended
(Woah)
Oh I see mended
I’m not finished yet
When you see wounded, I see mended
5: Hope Unfettered
hope floats,
thats what they tell us
theres a reason it does.
Hope is light. It’s in the clouds, its soaring up on the winds of freedom
it’s sheer possibility.
and thats why it floats.
you cant catch it, you cant lock it down.
hope simply floats along.
bringing the light of good possibility with it.
it truly lets us unlock our chains
and float along too.
hope. Unfettered and full of possibility.
I traveled the world with him. Village after village, city after city… we must’ve seen every inch of the continent. From the day he found me and I left home with him, I’ve seen such wonders I never imagined existed. Every place we stopped, we helped people. Or, usually, he helped people while I watched on in awe, absorbing the easy and natural way he wielded his gifts. You’d never know that he was losing his magic by looking. When the transfer of his power progressed far enough, he started letting me take the reins. We made miracles, side by side. We brought hope to people who had none, and I… I finally felt free.
Our belief is often strongest when it should be weakest. For that is the nature of hope.
Even during the darkest night, hope is always near, so be brave.
Although it may seem frail, it is one of the only things that cannot be taken from you. It is the one thing you cannot kill.
He curled up against me; there was nothing to be heard but the sound of our breath and the raindrops on the roof. We lay there for a while, holding hands. He pulled free and his hand came to rest on the upper part of my belly, beneath the swell of my chest, and I could feel my own heartbeat thumping against him there. We lay still again for a while, until my hand wandered up and ran itself along his scalp. It was cold out that night, and our bodies were glad to have each other’s warmth.
I had just begun to drift into the lightest stage of sleep, when his voice startled me. He spoke with a resonant baritone that I’d fallen in love with the moment I’d heard it. Although he never specifically tried to do it, his voice commanded attention, even when it was only slightly louder than a whisper. The exchange was one we’d had dozens of times before, and would have hundreds of times after; a ritual between the two of us.
Phone beeps
"Hey,
I know its been a long time.
a long time since we’ve talked.
but something reminded me of you,
and i wanted you to know
you’re not gone from my mind.
you’re simply busy,
and im busy
everyone is busier and busier these days.
so we forget.
but not entirely
I hope you’re doing well.
and I hope this reaches you in good health.
